self awareness and selfishness

“No GPS, no ETA

I don't know what I'm doing

Now my world's exploded”

- UFO by Olivia Dean

These were the first lyrics I heard before taking off to Austin earlier this week. I save things for later for times like this when I wish to be comforted by something beyond me. I downloaded this album a few weeks ago hoping I’d get around to it sometime.

I bursted out crying.

Maybe it was because someone decided to save seats on our Southwest flight so my mom couldn’t sit behind me like we planned. Maybe it was the fact I moved out of New York 24 hours after graduating. Maybe I knew that going to Austin would feel like going home.

Although I was only in Chicago for 3 days, I instantly witnessed how people change when I am not around.

For years, my city had been a safe zone, a place I go when I am overwhelmed. I’d often run back to the midwest when I needed space (friends and family are an easy excuse against east coast demands). Every time I’d visit, I’d know exactly where I needed to be to see all my friends in one night. Beginning last summer, it became increasingly hard to visit and expect the same experience that once saved me from the madness of my personal life.

Why didn’t anyone remind me I don’t live in Chicago anymore?

Posing this question forced me to confront insecurities deeper than fomo. At first, I acknowledged the parts of myself resistant to my own change. If I accepted myself enough, I’d probably accept other people the same — these are the shallow epiphanies I’ve led myself to for years.

This type of thinking allows me to cruise on by without taking any accountability. I admit a through line of self-centeredness to many of my recent conflicts. I’ve misinterpreted situations solely because I felt I was more important than everyone involved. Why did I think I was the only one going through life changes?

As I search for a conclusion, I think I do not accept the same amount of change from others that I demand they accept of me, but this feels incomplete.

I’m not completely aware of what I demand from others, and it’s still unclear how other people have truly changed. I’d just like to avoid another layer of analysis to ruminate on.